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Lost & Found

by Vermillion Heights

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1.
Hennepin Ave 04:43
I was never good at being happy. I was never one to take the time, To sit and remind myself that I’m Still growing enough, That I’m still growing up, That I’ve got a lot to do to feel alright. I used to try so hard at writing, I used to take my time with it. Not let myself get too complacent, But lately it seems like I just couldn’t give a shit. All the words and chords come out wrong But I’m still here doing nothing about it. But I’m still here always complaining about it. Getting down on myself For the reactions I assume that you’ll have, Putting words in your mouth, Before they ever come out I’m just jumping to conclusions, Like off a bridge over the Mississippi. I was never good at standing up For myself I was always one to walk away I was never good at fixing plot holes, I was always one to cross out names
2.
Sick Of You 03:38
Seven hours till the next stop. This gas station pizza Tastes a lot like an overdraft fee, Another night of no sleep, And anxiety from caffeine. And I’m already just as Sick of you, As you are of me. We’ve only been in the car Since quarter past three. And I know that when I wake up It’s your face I’m gonna see. The road’s so lonely and cold Even with you in the front seat. This argument’s getting old. Why the fuck are you bickering now. And I don’t think you’ve ever been told. I don’t think you even have to ask me. To hold your breath when you’re feeling bold. I won’t take sides if you’re asking. I can’t deny that I’ve been missing home. I can only keep it together for so long. We’ve been yelling more than just the lyrics To our songs. And we’re always mad about Fucking up the same parts. And I’ve been trying so hard to hold my tongue. I’ve been trying so hard to not act like I’m done. It’s been a long night. But we’ve been alright. Holding it together for now And tell our stupid jokes And have another smoke, Cause we’re going home. Even though it’s the loneliest place. Spend the night listening to Alistair Hennessey, We’ll remember these Nights with reverie. I never liked the sound Of car windows open at three a.m. But here we are, The radio blared as loud as it can go. So we can get home safe.
3.
It’s like I can’t get out of bed After twenty years of early mornings. The feeling sinks in With the weight of regret. It’s like my habits are dead and dying. Leaving me behind As I become a different person. This metamorphosis is prophecy, I saw it in the cards; The woman by the sea. And the person I was Laid eyes on the person I could be. And is this where I should put the chorus? One the bards would surely sing for us? Would repetition give you a clue As to all of the changes My mind’s gone through? Would a melody change your mind If you heard it sung a thousand times? If all these meters rhymes and cues Could give someone a better clue I’d sing them all to you. But it’s like I’m tongue tied. It’s like I’m tongue tied up. Trying to tell you all the things that I hide. My courage fades And I turn away. Turn the tides Pull back inside. Where the new version of myself resides. I see her eyes look into mine. In my dreams she’s alive. With confidence in stride, But a sneer, A slight, Noticing features that she’s trying to hide Pushes her back Inside with tears in my eyes. And yes. I think I’ll use a chorus. One the bards would surely Sing for us. Would repetition give you a clue As to all of the changes My mind’s gone through. I hope a melody can change your mind. If you hear it sung a thousand times. I hope these meters Rhymes and cues Can give someone a better clue. I’ll sing them all to you. It’s like I’m standing on the edge. With water below. And I forgot how to swim. Knowing if I jump And breathe in slow It’ll feel like I’ve been born again. I might just feel alive again. But I forgot how to swim. (Words like anchors Bring me down. Without a sound, They’ll surely drown me. Hate like water fills my lungs, No air to breathe No voice to shout)
4.
Blacksheep 03:39
I don’t think that I’ll miss anyone. Killing a part of myself And all I miss is The setting sun Filling the sky on memories of when I was someone Who used to run from shame and pain, Confusion, And a part of me I thought would only Get me shunned. My home is where I don’t have to answer Your questions. My home is where you understand That you don’t have to Get it. Defiantly I’d bloom. My thorns denying me a part In being added to the vase; A special case. A beauty left in place. Alone I found my ground. Alone, I never really found A spot on the family tree. Left alone I found my chance. Left alone I turned my sorrows into dance, A soulful hymn of adolescence. Screaming out to find the balance. Now the frame around my rearview Holds a picture-perfect scene Of love and pain and loss of life. With every bitter memory I’ll watch the trees shrink. Bend by bend. The road stretched out; Never ends.
5.
6.
It sets in; A flash of heat, My burning feet. And I run To the sink Before I faint. This is the third time this week. And I feel so close to death With all my hopes and regrets Laid out one by one. And I’m getting tired of this. Uncertainty when I hit. It’s like a flash, A spark, Shot in the dark. I only see stars. It happens over and over again You’d think I’d take the hint, You’d think I’d be better for it. But, It’s like I’m sinking under water With my feet on the ground. It’s like I’m choking on nothing But I can’t make a sound. It’s like a rush I don’t think will ever end. My heart is racing and it’s only just begun. I’m taking steps. I’m learning to better myself. Instead of hurting just for the thrill. I never felt so full. I never felt so capable. I always felt so miserable. And I’d never make the call. Because. (Only just begun. It’s only just begun) I feel alive, When I close my eyes Just to pass time.
7.
Clueless 03:13
These days I’ve been feeling fine. But I know it’s just a matter of time Before I’m lying on my bed Staring at the ceiling. So I just count the days, When I still feel okay. It’s just I know it Can all come back. I’ve got no clue what I’m doing here. I don’t know where I am. All these things I’m blowing off Are adding up. Like the days spent far from home Like the hours spent alone. Like the nights waiting for someone To take me along. Take me far from here. Everything’s not so serious. Take a breath. Take a break. Let another mistake pile up. Add it to the list of things I need to get done. Like the days I spent so far from home. Like the days I felt so all alone. Like the nights where I could find someone Better off. Like those nights I drove myself Down highway sixty-one. Like the years I wasted on the run From all my fears of growing up someone Unworthy of love. I spent years convincing myself Of my own self-worth. But I never believed in anything.
8.
Sirens 05:04
The hands on the clock keep turning. I’m learning to associate each tick With the burning in my gut, As I sit in the waiting room. With the smell of decay That bleach just can’t wash away. No it can’t wash away. They called nine-one-one. They said the found you Unconscious and unresponsive. The pills you took have haunted Me for so long. Now I’m empty as a desert in the sun; No comfort, no hospitality. No questions, Means no answers. No chances left to ask you how you feel today, Or will you be okay? They had an open casket, So I could see your face. An ornate flower basket Laid at your feet. It was autumn, The leaves were falling, I’ll always remember The sunset on your grave. But now I’m filling the hole you left With useless objects I collect. I never planned for you not to be here When we were younger And planted a seed where it could grow. I’m just so used to the sirens outside That I never stopped to question Just where they were going, Or why they were there In the first place. I just never noticed. (Yeag, I never noticed) The bags under your eyes, The distress in your voice. You weren’t fine. And the days we had are dead and gone, And I never got to say That I love you just the same. Drifting further away.
9.
Up To Here 03:48
Dancing around my head; These thoughts have no end. Just like a record I’m meant to be spun And scratched Til’ my repetition puts me through the window. But this disposition too shall pass, Even if I still invalidate myself On the daily. I’ve just had it up to here. With the antagonist in my mind, Their words hang in rhyme And I think I’ve got the time. Yeah I’m getting in line For the acceptance you find Every day just for feeling aligned. And I’ve had it up to here. This is, A feeling I can’t begin to convey so I’m just letting it go softly. And I’m not sure of all this judgment In my head. I need to sleep instead of think When I’m in bed. (When I’m in bed) Is it all just a means to an end? I just keep fumbling over and over again. And I don’t think I can stand on my own two feet. Would somebody take the lead? (Do you believe) Would you believe I’m uncomfortable? (I’m not supposed to look like this) Cause I’ve been conditioned to think That I’m not supposed to look like this. And would it even be worth my time To tell myself not to keep changing my mind Because I can’t seem to decide How I should look on the daily? And frankly, I’ve had it up to here, And I’ve had enough this year. Round after round I just keep going down. Round after round I’m just waiting for the bell to sound.
10.
Gray afternoon, The clouds have come in, And I haven’t left my apartment all day. Gray afternoon, My serotonin’s fading, And the last of the weed is gone. Gray afternoon, Coming down And strungout. I feel like Hunter Thompson, But my fear is now, And my loathing comes soon. You’re my only friend; Gray afternoon. Somebody’s smoking cigarettes By the building Outside. The smell is drifting up. I try and try but I can’t hide. No, the incense is burning, But my mood isn’t turning around. Would you look how I do?
11.
Deaf Ears 05:10
It was raining so hard as we walked to the car. The temperature fell every hour. You told me that you’re fine, You just needed some time, And I don’t think that I helped as I lied, And said maybe this is just A passing of the seasons. Maybe this is just a cycle, It’s repeated. And I know that I’m not what you needed. But I promise you, I’ll always be there If you feel it. It’s a hard pill to swallow, But some things just don’t work out. It’s a tough act to follow, Once we’re born we know it won’t last. We anticipate regret, (We know we can’t run forever) But that doesn’t make it any better. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew how to tell you it’s okay To feel the anger you feel. I wish I knew the words to ease your mind. I wish it wasn’t so hard For me to find the time. But this gap is growing wider. The grass is growing higher. I know your only desire is to turn back time. Months will fade into years. You’ll accept that you’re here. You’ll move along with the tears. I promise it gets better With time. And I swear this isn’t easier for me. And I know that you just wanted to be In love. Look at the life you built. You just wanted a family, Now I think you start to see That life just throws us in the dirt, I swear to god we ask for it to hurt. And I haven’t been alive very long, But I know the truth to every song That you sang to each other. Even though they fell on deaf ears.

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released September 10, 2020

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Vermillion Heights Minneapolis, Minnesota

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